Becoming a mother is a huge role transformation. The beginning is a bit rocky because your first few weeks as "mom" are not your best moments. your emotions are all over the place which makes a new identity strange to fully comprehend since you feel slightly unhinged. Your healing - everywhere. Personally, I had not worn pads for many years and had always used tampons. Obviously that's not an option after a paper. But you are not only leaking "down there," your boobs are too! So on top of being exhausted, dealing with a new identity, and healing mentally and physically you are wrapped up in pads. Pads in your underwear and pads in your bra. Lets not forget you have a beautiful new baby to take care of as well.
My first few weeks as mom was not feeling sexy or attractive to my husband. They were vulnerable, teary, and leaky. My son was my first experience of unconditional love. This is something I have always held myself to - love yourself. The first few weeks after birth, was a big realization on the limits to my self love.
Between spit ups and leaking I changed multiple times a day. between the pads up north and the pads down south you never feel dry. My first few days as mom felt "wet and scatter brained." If someone were to ask me "hows motherhood?" My response would be "Its amazing how much love you feel for your baby, and the new meaning of love they show you." other than that......no one would have wanted to hear me say "Motherhood? OH you mean the leaking, wrapped in pads, feeling like I just ran a marathon with no training, identity questions, stripped of all sexy, dirty hair, new perfume of spit up......its the best thing ever!"
I'll be honest. I did not now if I would ever completely heal. I had a vaginal birth, with tearing. I felt wrecked. I did not know if I would ever return to my post "popped-a-melon-out-of-something-that's-normally-the-size-of-a-lemon" self. And the answer is - I didn't. Hence, the sneeze pee.
So what do the experts suggest for the sneeze pee - kegels. I am the kegel queen, just trust me on that one.I do believe they have helped a lot. My sneeze pee is virtually gone.I play on a coed soccer team, and occasionally the sneeze pee makes an appearance there. What I think may be around for a few more years...perhaps always, is the intense on set of needing to pee. Its no longer a question of contemplating to hold it or not. It is a peeing now type thing. I did not used to hustle to the bathroom.....its a regular for me now.
I am breastfeeding my son, which is the most incredible bond. However, redoing my wardrobe for nursing was a bit odd.Finding outfits that somewhat disguised the bra pads was challenging. I cannot remember when I stopped wearing the pads since the beginning of motherhood blurs a bit. I think around 3 months I was able to stop having them in my bra all the time. I would instead look for signs - crying baby down isle 8 at the grocery store - lets take a detour to isle 22, sappy commercial - close eyes and cover ears. Needless to say, as time passed I better learned my body and the tingles of my breasts letting out.
Than the let outs begin to numb. They no longer have the strong tingle as a pre-sign. (There needs to be a manual for all the changes that take place so maybe some embarrassing moments can be saved.) The other day I became reacquainted with the let out in the store. All my back up tricks were not handy as it has been several months since this happened.SO what do you do?
Rock it out.
That's what motherhood is all about if someone were to ask me now. Its about rocking it out, weather physically putting your baby to sleep and enjoying that special moment, or owning the situation like a boss. It have found my self love as mother.
Loving myself to own the leaky boobs and the sneeze pee was the first step.
I adore being a mom. Each day is filled with small moments of joy...and some challenging ones too! All of it is just too precious.